From the age of 11, I’ve always had a boyfriend. I was a serial monogamist as a teenager, and apart from one crazy year (aged 20-21) I was always in a relationship with a male. Then at 21 I met the man that became my husband and father to my children. But I’ve always fancied women too.
I’d never had a sexual relationship with a woman but there were several women I’d had serious crushes on.
I’ve always been honest to my husband about this, and it never bothered him but as a teenager or a young adult I never acted on these feelings. Maybe I wasn’t brave enough, maybe I had no idea how to gage whether the other person would have been interested, but two of these crushes still stick in my mind strongly.
The first was when I was 15. She was 16, tall, dark and gorgeous. Her flowing slightly curly hair was unruly and a dark mahogany. She played a range of instruments including the bassoon (which seemed strangely exotic to me) and I was in awe of her talent. I also admired her quirky and idiosyncratic clothes style. I use to go around to her house and we’d smoke joints hanging out of her bedroom window while listening to The Cocteau Twins.
At that age I don’t think I ever made the first move on a boy let alone a girl so nothing happened. Unfortunately she had problems with her hands and was told to give up her musical instruments (she was grade 8 in several) which broke her heart and because I played in groups with her we lost touch – I tried to stay in contact but she said I reminded her of what she couldn’t do so she cut our connection. I still have a photobooth picture of us together.
The second was a friend of my best friend at university. She was a medical student; blonde, bubbly with wonderful breasts. I use to get tongue tied whenever she was around and embarrassed at my flushing face and inability to chat freely with her.
Once she gave me a lift back from a wedding – a memory I often replay in my mind with a completely different ending, but again I wouldn’t have dared say anything.
Then I found myself in my late 30s and talking more and more with my husband about our sexual ideals and fantasies, and he knew that I wanted to change the situation from just thinking about women to being with them sexually.
And one night, I did. Visiting a good friend, and after several gins the idea became a possibility. Messages were sent to my husband, and his consent was gained (albeit with some provisos about images and footage).
Lots of fun, laughter and several orgasms later I wondered why I’d waited for so many years. 18 month’s later there have been other situations, most of which have included my husband too.
I never thought about it being important that I admit to the world that I was queer even whilst I was in a happy (heterosexual) marriage, but I do now. I may not be discussing our sexual activities with all my friends and family but some definitely know. I love the liberation of this blog and of twitter – where I can be myself but also explore and express that in images.
These few images are from an evening organised with a wonderful friend and my husband in a hotel. We all enjoyed ourselves and I got a couple of great shots too – but I spent more time playing with them than playing with my camera. Maybe next time I’ll get some more (better) shots. Or maybe I’ll be too busy being myself. I used one previously in this #SinfulSunday post.
To see all my other a2zsubmiss photographs click here