a2zsubmiss Q is for Queer

From the age of 11, I’ve always had a boyfriend. I was a serial monogamist as a teenager, and apart from one crazy year (aged 20-21) I was always in a relationship with a male. Then at 21 I met the man that became my husband and father to my children. But I’ve always fancied women too.

I’d never had a sexual relationship with a woman but there were several women I’d had serious crushes on.

I’ve always been honest to my husband about this, and it never bothered him but as a teenager or a young adult I never acted on these feelings. Maybe I wasn’t brave enough, maybe I had no idea how to gage whether the other person would have been interested, but two of these crushes still stick in my mind strongly.

The first was when I was 15. She was 16, tall, dark and gorgeous. Her flowing slightly curly hair was unruly and a dark mahogany. She played a range of instruments including the bassoon (which seemed strangely exotic to me) and I was in awe of her talent. I also admired her quirky and idiosyncratic clothes style. I use to go around to her house and we’d smoke joints hanging out of her bedroom window while listening to The Cocteau Twins.

At that age I don’t think I ever made the first move on a boy let alone a girl so nothing happened. Unfortunately she had problems with her hands and was told to give up her musical instruments (she was grade 8 in several) which broke her heart and because I played in groups with her we lost touch – I tried to stay in contact but she said I reminded her of what she couldn’t do so she cut our connection. I still have a photobooth picture of us together.

The second was a friend of my best friend at university. She was a medical student; blonde, bubbly with wonderful breasts. I use to get tongue tied whenever she was around and embarrassed at my flushing face and inability to chat freely with her.

Once she gave me a lift back from a wedding – a memory I often replay in my mind with a completely different ending, but again I wouldn’t have dared say anything.

Then I found myself in my late 30s and talking more and more with my husband about our sexual ideals and fantasies, and he knew that I wanted to change the situation from just thinking about women to being with them sexually.

And one night, I did. Visiting a good friend, and after several gins the idea became a possibility. Messages were sent to my husband, and his consent was gained (albeit with some provisos about images and footage).

Lots of fun, laughter and several orgasms later I wondered why I’d waited for so many years. 18 month’s later there have been other situations, most of which have included my husband too.

I never thought about it being important that I admit to the world that I was queer even whilst I was in a happy (heterosexual) marriage, but I do now. I may not be discussing our sexual activities with all my friends and family but some definitely know. I love the liberation of this blog and of twitter – where I can be myself but also explore and express that in images.

These few images are from an evening organised with a wonderful friend and my husband in a hotel. We all enjoyed ourselves and I got a couple of great shots too – but I spent more time playing with them than playing with my camera. Maybe next time I’ll get some more (better) shots. Or maybe I’ll be too busy being myself. I used one previously in this #SinfulSunday post.

To see all my other a2zsubmiss photographs click here

9 Comments

  1. It is really interesting how exploring on your blog etc has brought you more out into the open and given you the confidence to express how you really feel. I hope that you get many more opportunities to do this and to see where it leads 😊

  2. Gorgeous images, and thank you for sharing this with us.
    Seeing you label yourself as queer, made me wonder if my labels are ‘wrong’. Although I prefer not to call them labels, but rather that I identify as monogamish and bisexual.

    Rebel xox

  3. What a great and honest post. I’ve always struggled a bit with my attraction to women and it’s only the last year or two where I’ve found some more comfort in those attractions. I love your photos and just how relaxed you all are in them.

  4. This is an area I still struggle with. Like you I felt attractions to women when I was younger but I also really liked men and had no idea that liking both was even a thing so I went with the men as my preferred option.

    Then in my late 30’s swinging changed all that and I really enjoyed some sexual experiences with women. Then I tried having a girlfriend, which Michael encouraged, but it just didn’t work for me and so now I find myself not really sure about all this any more.

    Mollyx

    1. I think it’s alright for things to change over time too. Just because I didn’t do anything with women for years didn’t mean I wasn’t bisexual I maybe I just wasn’t aware. But it’s also all very fluid and so different for everyone too. I hope you are at least comfortable in your own thoughts x x

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.